This Must Be Why You Are Supposed to Wait 3 Months Before You Tell People

Very sad news. My ultrasound today showed nothing in the gestational sac and apparently the doctor saw something that made her concerned enough to tell me that I need a D&C. She said that it could just be a blighted ovum, but it could also be a molar pregnancy. In which case, I need to have a D&C to get everything out and then to a pathologist to be sure that it wasn't a molar pregnancy.  I had never even heard of a molar pregnancy, but apparently instead of an embryo growing, all those cells just turn into a mass. So your body thinks you are pregnant and you have all the signs but there really isn't anything there. You have to get that mass out then because it is slightly possible (according to what I read on the internet under 20% of cases) there may be pre-cancerous cells involved. The doctor didn't want to risk the time it might take for my body to take care of it. So let me be clear (for myself too) that she doesn't know if it is molar or not, but she doesn't want to wait around if it is. I'll have the D&C this week....I'm waiting for the office to call and tell me when it will be.....and then I need a day or two before I'll go to work. After that, the contents go to the pathologist and then they call me with the results. If it is a "normal" miscarriage, then we can try again shortly. If it is a molar pregnancy, we have to wait 6-12 months to try again to be sure all the tissue is out and my hormone levels are fine. At this point, I really don't know more about it and I kind of don't feel like talking about it, so I'll keep you updated via the blog for now. Let's just keep out fingers crossed that it was a normal type of miscarriage.

I Hate Olives

I am cursed. If I were to keep track of all the times I have ordered a pizza and asked for NO olives and then received olives on the pizza, I think about 85% of the time I get the damn olives. At first I thought it might be me. Maybe I wasn't clear about how I said no olives. I would say, "No olives please." And then I would get green olives. So I thought maybe in pizza making world, olives only meant black olives. So I changed my request to, "No black olives and no green olives please." However, I still received green olives, but not black. Maybe they stopped listening after they heard black olives. Another time I said that same thing and they gave me black olives and no green peppers. Definitely a listening problem. So then I changed again. "No olives of any kind. Not black, not green. I don't want any olives." Sigh. Again, green but not black olives. This happened again today. She even repeated my order back to me, "Vegetarian pizza, sub spinach for broccoli, and no olives." Hallelujah. I went picked up the pizza, heard a little voice inside say....check for olives.....but I ignored it, being an eternal optimist, and went on my way. I got to school, opened it up, and there they were. Tons of green olives. Why?!?! What am I supposed to learn from this? I am just supposed to like olives? I don't understand. It doesn't seem hard. And it isn't just one restaurant (although one is notorious for ignoring my no olive request), it happens at several places where I order from. So I've made a decision. I am going to now say to the person taking my order, "I do not want any olives. I am allergic to olives. I can't eat olives of any kind. I will go into anaphylactic shock if I eat olives. I carry an Epi-Pen for emergencies. I may die. Please don't put olives on my pizza." We'll see how that works.

Another Possibility

Maybe I should have just waited patiently for next Monday. Maybe I should have stayed off of the internet. Or maybe what I did was good. What I did do was start researching all sorts of things on the internet related to gestational sacs, 5 week ultrasounds, and other such topics. I was feeling pretty good as I looked at 5 week ultrasound pictures online which looked pretty much just like mine did. I was reading forums where pregnant moms talked about how they didn't see anything til 6 1/2 weeks or how you can have a tilted uterus and you can't see much til it gets bigger. Overall, pretty positive stuff. But then as I was reading I kept coming across the words "blighted ovum". Having no clue what this was, I looked it up. Oh my. It is basically one of the most common reasons for miscarriage. You are pregnant-have a positive test, stop menstruating, get tired, nauseous, and your boobs hurt. However, at a certain point, the embryo just stops growing. And what you are left with is an empty gestational sac. I looked at images......turns out that a blighted ovum and a 5 week ultrasound look strikingly similar. Almost identical in fact.

So I am now preparing myself for the worst come next Monday. The information I read said that the main cause of a blighted ovum is that there was some sort of chromosomal abnormality with the embryo and the body knows it is best to not let it continue. I totally believe in my body and that it makes the best decisions, so if in fact it is a blighted ovum, then (although I will be super disappointed/bummed/crabby/sad/etc) I logically know it was for the best. I am also aware of psychosomatic issues, and having said that, I told Brian today that my boobs don't hurt as much and I don't feel as bloated. Mind over matter? Possibly. Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.....most definitely. I guess we'll see on Monday.

Actually It's the Size of a Lentil

So I went for my first doctor's appointment yesterday. Brian was off work so he was able to come along. As we were leaving he grabs his book. "You're going to READ during my appointment?" "No, it's for the waiting room." Hmmmm. We get to the office and sign in and wait. "Guess you wish you would have brought something to read." Which at that point I kinda did cause there was nothing to read there, so I proceeded to talk to him so he couldn't read. Terrible, I know. We get called in and there is this weird moment of wondering, "Is it ok for Brian to come in?" We didn't see any other guys going in. So we asked the nurse (who for the record was NOT enjoying her day based on her demeanor) and she said it was fine. She took my blood pressure (which was a bit high for me who normally runs a low 90/70) and weighed me. I did, yet didn't, want to see that number, but turns out they weigh you backwards so I didn't even see what I weighed. Then we headed in to wait for the Nurse Practioner.

Now our friends Kate and Matt had been to this same clinic for their kids, and he warned Brian the past weekend that, "The room is really small. You are just right there while they are doing everything." Very true. She came in let me ask my questions (answers: yes- I do need to eat that much protein, yes-I can still highlight my hair, yes-I can take my Singulair), and then she asked a bunch of health questions and had me sign forms, etc. She was VERY nice. I liked her. Then she had to get down to business. There was the physical exam which due to the size of the room, Brian got to be front and center for. He said he tried not to look but there was really nowhere else TO look, and he was kind of intrigued by the whole process.

Finally came the ultrasound. Up to this point she says everything seems good, I'm a low risk pregnancy. Then she "inserts" the "wand" to see what's happening in my uterus. Well, turns out that the Iphone apps and the doctors office were incorrect on when conception actually happened. I am actually more like 5-6 weeks along, not 8. So when we were looking at the ultrasound screen what we saw was the gestational sac and that was it. Now I have to go back for another ultrasound next Monday to take another look. Hopefully there will be more to see then.

I was pretty disappointed for several reasons. But really, it makes perfect sense. They kept saying you use the date of your last period to tell how far along you are, and I don't get that. You can't be pregnant on the first day of your last period. So according to what we saw yesterday, I must have conceived around July 15th. Brian claims that he knew when I was pregnant.....That day he kept saying how beautiful I looked, like I was glowing. And he even took lots of pictures of me (I was not looking particularly lovely that day let me tell you). But weird huh? We looked back on his camera and it was July 17th that he took the pictures. He's so sensitive. =) So, that's where I'm at. I think I've just started my 6th week, so really it's the size of a lentil. Which then makes me even more sad.....a LENTIL and my pants are tight. Yikes.

If It's the Size of a Kidney Bean, Then Why Don't My Shorts Fit

The scale may not be saying that much is happening (well, okay...a little) but my shorts are telling a different story. Last year, I had some mystery stomach illness that caused me to watch really carefully what I ate, go to the doctor multiple times, and horror of horrors, give up drinking alcohol. Because of my sorry state, I ended up losing around 15 pounds. I used to think that I'd give up drinking if I could lose weight, but that is what someone says who hasn't gone through it. So with the weight loss came new clothes. Now I love clothes and I had accumulated what some may say was a bit of excess in the clothing department, which in my mind just means that I had a great selection of clothes to choose from. I had a really hard time getting rid of the clothes (especially pants) that didn't fit anymore and even had the passing thought of....."Hmmm, maybe I should keep these just in case I ever get pregnant." But no, I got rid of them as we were trying to prepare our house for moving (eventually).

So imagine my dismay when a few days ago I go to put on a pair of BRAND NEW shorts that still had the tags on them and they were just a bit to snug and in no way going to be comfortable for sitting all day in a meeting. This prompted me to try on several more of my newer pairs of shorts/capris and let me tell you those that still feel ok aren't going to last long. I am very sad about this. Very sad. I did keep these clothes as goal clothes. It will be my goal to fit back into them post-baby.

It was right around this time of feeling thick, that I got my weekly update on my phone telling me what stage I was at in my pregnancy. It always gives you something to compare its size to, and it told me that it was the size of a kidney bean. Kidney bean? My shorts don't fit. That equation just doesn't add up. Well, I read on and it said that your uterus has doubled in size. So maybe that's the issue. Either way, the sad, steady downward slide of not fitting into my clothes has begun, and I'm not happy about it.

Peak of the Season

I love harvest time. This is the time of year where my flower garden/front yard is out of control but amazing, the vegetable garden is a chaotic tangle of plants and vines, and my teeny, tiny kitchen is covered in pots, pans, jars, a food processor, and various fruits and vegetables in various stages of being processed. It's a lot of work, but the best kind of work in my opinion.

Yesterday, Brian, Dad, and I went to pick blueberries. Holy cow. I've never seen so many blueberries on these plants. I guess the rainy cool summer was good for them because I think we only picked off of 8 plants and we ended up coming home with 32 pounds of berries!! Excessive, maybe. Awesome, yes. Dad also brought up more veggies from the garden, so today I am married to my kitchen. I have strained the honey from Dad's bees (he brought up some of the comb he froze), made a batch of sauerkraut (hoping this batch turns out better....the first batch didn't get the air it needed and had too much salt), shredded and froze zucchini, cut corn of the cob to freeze, froze some blueberries and will make jam with the rest, and then on to making pickles.

On the pregnancy front, its been a pretty busy last few days and by the end of the day yesterday I was cranky and tired. Three days with no nap makes for a crabby pregnant lady. There was also my first bit of spotting the other day. I guess I'm not too worried about it because it was hardly anything and it was around the time of when I would have had my period anyway. I was reading about it online, and the first website I checked into told this story of a lady who had spotting. She was "freaking out" and went for her first ultrasound the following week. Turns out the spotting was just her body adjusting to her carrying TWINS. My appointment is next week.....coincidence....I hope so. =) The other new development I've noticed is the crying for no apparent reason. It's only happened twice now, but wow. It comes on out of nowhere and involves sobbing, Brian rubbing my head and trying not to laugh but unable to do so, and me saying (in between sobs) "This is ridiculous." Let's hope those little episodes only happen at home.

The Business of Being Born

I just finished watching this documentary called The Business of Being Born. Wow. I started off thinking that I really shouldn't watch this at this point, but ended feeling teary, more educated, and empowered. It basically is a discussion on home births and midwives and what they don't tell you about hospital births, including the drugs given and prevalence of c-sections and how those two things are correlated. Now, I have considered a home birth, but there are two major reasons why I won't. 1-My insurance doesn't cover it. 2-My house will be on the market when the baby is due and for some reason that seems a little weird having a baby in the house that you may need to show a few days later. So I'm sticking with the birthing rooms at St. Lukes. However, I do feel much more educated in what my rights are and what I do want out of a hospital birth. So I'll have to talk to my Dr. about that. My first appointment is not this coming Monday but the 22nd, and I see a nurse practitioner who will then direct me to the doctor that seems to "fit" me the best.

On another note, I looked at baby clothes at TJ Maxx today and was curious about something. A lot of the little onesie type things only had snaps between the legs. It seems to me like you would want snaps all up the front and around the legs so you don't have to try to shove little mushy baby head and arms through the collar and into the sleeves.   And the other thing I noticed is that a lot of those clothes are made of really yucky fabrics. Like, I wouldn't wear them. I would want soft cotton and I wouldn't really care if it said "Cupcake" or "Daddy's Girl" on it. Just an observation. The pregnancy learning curve is exponential apparently.

Eagle Eyes

I'm using this post as a forum for settling a little "discussion" I'm having with my mother. She was telling me today that while she was driving from Hayward today, she saw one of those green hornworm caterpillars on the side of the road. I looked at her a bit skeptically and asked for a bit more information. She said, "You know, like how you see those fuzzy bear caterpillars crawling along side the road." I say, "How fast are you moving when you "see" these caterpillars?" "Oh....like 55." I say, "This is driving 55 in your big Jeep down the highway and you are seeing fuzzy bear caterpillars that are like this (I hold up my fingers to show how big they are) big?" She says, "Well, actually they are even smaller than that, and yes haven't you seen them?" It is at this point I tell her no I haven't, and no way has she. A little history to go along with this....along with my grandma who was known for telling stories about things she saw (a green bird with a purple beak) or "find the animal" pictures, my mother is known for telling people about her nature sightings. Most of the time she is just in the right place at the right time and is also just really aware and present in the moment so she gets to see a lot of stuff. But sometimes, we just have a hard time believing her. So she is shaking her head feeling sorry for me that I haven't seen these caterpillars crossing the road and that I should pay more attention. I tell her I am paying attention - TO THE ROAD. She says," Ask anybody, they'll tell you". So I say, "I most certainly will." Which leads me here.....do you see fuzzy bear caterpillars crossing the road while driving 55 mph? And maybe not even crossing the road, maybe just crawling along the shoulder? Mom has told me I will feel chastised and feel bad for making fun of her after I hear that indeed I am just the poor soul not paying attention. I promise not to be mad if you side with her..... =)

Infrastructure

I was listening to NPR today and they are having these round table discussions about having kids and today's topic was daycare. The newslady was leading the discussion and asked, "Do childcare workers make enough money for what they do every day?".....the consensus was no. Then she flipped the question to, "Do you pay too much for childcare?".....the consensus was yes. I thought that was really interesting, especially the discussion that followed.

These people were in Washington DC and the costs they were quoting for daycare were astounding! One woman said she estimated $40,000 for a nanny! I have been listening to friends for some time now talk about daycare costs and my most recent quote I think I heard from someone was like $650/700 a month, which is a big chunk of a paycheck. The discussion also included the fact that a lot of families have to really lay out a detailed plan of their expenses to see if both parents working is more cost effective than one parent staying home. Plus throwing in the notion of spending those first few years at home with your kids and the impact that has. I've heard my friends talk about the same thing. There was also a grandma in the discussion who talked about how she watched her grandchild pretty much every day from breakfast through dinner. This led to the group talking about how fortunate people are who have an "infrastructure" of family and friends to provide care for children. The whole village raising a child idea. One guy said that his mom, who was in Illinois with all his siblings and other family, said she was worried about how he and his wife were going to raise kids without that network of support. I guess this was the part of the discussion that really struck me. Growing up, I was able to be raised through that family infrastructure. If I was sick, my aunt or grandma would pick me up from school if my mom couldn't. I always had people around who would help take care of me and my brother. I feel really fortunate having had that experience. Especially now as I think about these logistical questions of daycare. I am really lucky that my mom is going to be my daycare "provider". I also have wonderful friends who would help me out whenever they could too. And my dad is only 90 minutes away, although I'm not sure he wants to be in charge of a baby..... maybe once it's older.....  =)
Plus having summers off and Brian's always weird and changing schedule, I am cautiously optimistic that daycare should not be the cause of a massive amount of stress. I do wish I were closer (in proximity) to family, but traveling for holidays and during the summer will just be part of the deal. Just a contemplation I was having today. I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg.

BWCA

No posts for a couple days because I left civilization to go to my favorite place....the Boundary Waters. Brian, Foxy, and I left Saturday to put in at Sawbill Lake, paddled and portaged about 9 miles, and set up camp on Cherokee Lake. Now I do love going out into the BWCA (Boundary Waters Canoe Area) but there is always a little bit of trepidation over 1) the weather and 2) the bugs. The last trip we took (in June this year) had both rain and biting flies/mosquitoes, so I was really hoping we would have better luck this time. And we did! Oh man was it nice. There was no wind on our way in, the bugs were not bad at all (as long as you were in your tent by like 9:00 at which time they all came out in droves but you could hear them coming so at least we had a little warning), and we had a great site. We did get a good workout on the way out today because there was a decent wind that we paddled into the entire way back. But overall, it was a very relaxing and peaceful trip.

Being pregnant has some advantages to these kind of trips as well. Like, I didn't have to carry as much as I usually do on the portages, and I must say that Brian was a sport about carrying the extra weight in his bags. He didn't complain once and kept telling me to take it easy. The downside of being prego in the BWCA is that sitting in the canoe for that long is not as comfortable and I couldn't really wear the waist belt on my pack cause it felt weird. The highlight, prego or not, is putting up your hammock and reading a good book while watching the loons float by and listening to the water sloshing against the shore. Now that is awesome.

We saw loons, lots of ducks, and a pitcher plant, but sadly the most memorable piece of "nature" was not beautiful or exciting. We were on our day trip, just paddling around from lake to lake, checking out different campsites we might want to stay at in the future. We pulled in to one such site, which was awesome, and I was throwing the stick for Foxy into the water so she could swim a bit. I started to head to the canoe and I was trying to swish whatever was caught between my toes (I was wearing my water sandals) and as I kept swishing I knew it was bad. I lifted my foot and am embarrassed to say, said something like this, "OH MY F*ING GOD... GET IT OFF BRIAN... GET IT OFF RIGHT NOW..." as I am flailing my foot around in the air with this gigantic leech hanging off of my toes. I can't even look at it as he is pulling it off (which my hero did without hesitation), and when he does get it off (he then yelps a little bit as it starts sucking on him) he flings it. I found it back in the water and OH MY GOD, IT HAD TENTACLES. On closer inspection, it was not a mutant leech with tentacles, but a leech with LIKE 50 LITTLE BABY LEECHES ATTACHED TO IT. So then I look at my foot and see several of these little baby leeches attached to my toes as well. I may or may not have destroyed many of those little leeches still in my path at that point. Dear God. It was awful. I don't know what it is about leeches, but I simply cannot deal with them. Ticks, mosquitoes, snakes, spiders, whatever. I can handle those, but leeches.....no thanks. I am shuddering even as I type this, that's how gross it was. But really though.....the rest of the trip was beautiful. Gorgeous. I highly recommend it.

My Ring!!!

It's official! I have a ring. It is beautiful. The wait has been totally worth it. I took a picture with my phone so it isn't really a great picture but enough for you to get the point. I love, love, love it. So does Brian. It is a vintage ring (50's/60's) and get this.....the name of it was "Marriage made in Heaven Ring". Ha!! Which means it was totally meant for me. =) Finally, the wait is over.

A Shout Out To My Friends

I had lunch today with three friends, two of whom I hadn't seen in awhile. It was one of those really long, leisurely lunches that was filled with laughs and good conversation. And food too, of course. After we had went our separate ways, I started to think about how lucky I am to have the friends I do. Then I started to think about how I don't say how much I appreciate each and every one of you and how important you are. So I want to devote this post to my friends. Maybe it is the hormones making me sappy, but I want each of you to know you are so special to me and thanks for being there. I know that when lots of you became pregnant, I wasn't excited for you because I was selfishly thinking that I would lose time with you. I apologize for that. Especially since not one of you has said anything other than wonderful, kind, and encouraging things about my pregnancy....well, maybe other than Sarah O....but that is exactly why we are friends. =)

To everyone from elementary school, high school, college, and grad school as well as from different places we've worked, thank you. I appreciate your friendship, your words of encouragement, advice, and suggestions, your laughter, and your company. And if these raging hormones swing another way and I am a rude, insensitive bitch, please remember how fond of you I really am.

Another Thing To Be Grossed Out About

Warning...this topic is not for the faint of heart (and inappropriate for children).

So my friend Kate is going to be my doula. For those of you unfamiliar with a doula, it is someone who is there for the couple before, during, and after labor to help educate, comfort, and overall just make sure things are going smoothly. This person doesn't become completely wrapped up in the moment during the birth so is able to help the mom use different techniques to ease pain and discomfort, calm the soon-to-be-parents, and talk with hospital staff. And by the way, the word doula comes from the Greek "slave," so some are opposed to using the term, but I think it is funny. =)

Good doula that she is, Kate has given me some books to read. I started the first one last night. I was reading the chapter about labor and (if that chapter wasn't gross enough as it was) there in a box....not even a regular paragraph-a separate box on the page....was information on the topic of sex during labor. Oh my god. Just when I thought I was doing really well making it through the chapter without gagging, there it was. Now you know those moments where you know you should look away but you just can't make yourself? Well, I just had to read it because I just didn't think it could be real. So I get the science or biology of it, but for real?!?!  And logistically?!?! I just don't get that. And how on earth could that even be CLOSE to what is on your mind at that point? Then I find out there is a whole movement (excuse the pun) called Orgasmic Birth. I don't know. Nothing about birth sounds orgasmic to me.

So of course I read this section to Brian as soon as he gets home from work (lucky him), and I can see the wheels spinning. Then come a few terribly inappropriate comments and gestures. It's good to be able to laugh about this stuff. Side note....I also decided to tell my mom about this phenomenon, and I think I scarred her for life. I told her she might not be able to be in the birthing room with us because Brian and I might need to have sex. I know, that was terrible and mean and gross, but the look on her face was priceless. =)

What If There Are Two?

Inspiration for this post comes from my dear friend Amanda. Today was my day to hang out with my friend Kate for my birthday. We were going to go to the YMCA, then go out to eat and do a little shopping. As I was waiting for her to pick me up, I checked my email and behold the comment that shaped the rest of my day.

"I predict twins."

Now this is a nearly heart-stopping comment. Not just because I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around me being a mom as it is, but Brian has made several twins comments as well. As we were planning when I was going to go off the pill, he came home with a bunch of sweet potatoes. "Oh what are you going to make with those?" I asked. "You have to eat these so that you'll have twins," he said. "I read that if you eat lots of sweet potatoes, you'll have twins." I was bewildered by this because at no point in baby discussions did I say ANYTHING about doing something to enhance my chances of having more than one being inside of me. Then there is the fact that his brother just had twins. And finally, while talking to Brian the other day about how quickly I became pregnant, he throws this out. "You're more likely to have twins after coming off the pill." WTF?!?!  When has he been researching this? Where is he getting this information? And why on earth does he think it's a good idea to TRY to have twins? Here is his explanation. "Well, then you only have to go through labor once." Sweet, in his own weird way, I guess, but let me also add that there has been no talk of a second baby down the road. So this must be his own little plan for the future.

I guess we just wait and see on this one, but the idea certainly adds another thought to mull around. Thank you Amanda. I haven't seen Brian yet today to tell him this but I will this evening. I'm sure he'll be thrilled.

I Hope My Neighbors Like Vegetables

You know you are in the peak of summer when you come home with bags of zucchini, green beans, basil, dill, cucumbers, and all of your canning equipment that you really were hoping to just keep in Hayward so it didn't crowd your already teeny tiny kitchen. I really think my dad and I need to figure out a way to get some of this stuff to a farmers market or something. There is just SO much. Friends and neighbors are happy (I think) recipients of some of the bounty but I can tell you what I'll be doing this week....processing vegetables.

It is here that I realize what is different this year compared to previous years. Thinking of canning and freezing this week makes me realize how tired being pregnant has made me. I love summer and being able to be on the go and be busy all the time. Well, my "condition" has put a bit of a crimp in my style.At this point, I require (and I mean require) a nap every day and if I don't get one, I am usually whimpering by 8.  I hope I perk up before school starts. Friends have reassured me that I should come out of this tired all the time phase in another couple months. For now, I guess I will just be thankful to be able to nap while I can.